Helping People Deal with Loss During the Holiday Season
Every year during the holiday season I am reminded that Christmas wasn’t always merry and bright. The holiday season for me has a tendency to be a reminder of the less than normal life I lived growing up. Of course, I am also reminded of God’s grace in how he has grown me and my parents' relationship over the years, but the effects of past trauma still remain.
That has led me here to write out some helpful tips for helping people deal with loss. These tips are primarily things that people have done that have either hurt or help me in the past. I hope this will be helpful to you. If there is anything you would add to this list, drop it in the comments section below!
1 Listen
One of the most meaningful things that you can do for someone who is dealing with loss during the holidays is to be ready and willing to listen. A lot of times we miss opportunities to be an encouragement to people because we are either talking too much, or we’re so wrapped up in our own thoughts, that we hear without listening. Sometimes, we may not even recognize that someone is dealing with a loss during the holidays (whether that loss is recent, or is from years ago) because we are so focused on ourselves.
2 Reach Out
If you know that someone is dealing with a loss during the holidays, reaching out to them is a simple and small and simple way to show them that you care. Don’t encourage them to get over it or move past it. A lot of times we push people away from us by doing that. A simple text that says, “I’m thinking about you, I love you, and I am here for you,” can mean more than you could ever possibly imagine.
3 Invite
Having people into your home or inviting people who are dealing with loss out somewhere, sometimes can be a welcomed distraction of the holidays’ constant reminder that something is missing. I’m not saying that you should try to distract your friends dealing with loss from reality, but sometimes a break is helpful.
4 Ask Questions
One of the best ways that you can serve someone dealing with a loss is by asking them how you can serve them. A lot of people will tell you that they are okay. It just means a lot that you would ask. Some people have needs that are obvious if you listen to them or pay attention.
It also doesn't always serve friends well to treat their loss as a taboo subject of conversation. Sometimes, asking a question such as, “how are you doing since…” can open up dialogue with a friend that could potentially change your entire relationship for the better. But remember, when you ask questions, you have to listen.
5 Don’t try to convince them that your families’ holiday traditions will cheer them up
This one, a lot of people do unintentionally. It sounds something like this, “why don’t you just come and...our family does…” There is nothing wrong with inviting people to be a part of what you and your family do, but don’t do it simply because you think they should love the holidays as much you and your family, and because you think they should enjoy the holidays the way you and your family do.
It is definitely okay, though, to invite people in to what your family does especially if you tell them up front what you actually do. But if they say no, try not to push them too hard to join you.
6 Be okay with them not being okay
This goes along with number 5. Sometimes people just aren’t okay and we have to be okay with that. When we constantly tell people that them not being okay is not okay, we either push them away, or we cause them to push feelings that are real into the back of their minds when they're with us. Only for them to have to deal with psychological whiplash the next time they’re alone.
Being okay with a friend not being okay doesn’t mean turning a blind eye to their hurt, it simply means acknowledging the reality that they are hurt and being present.
7 Stop using Christian cliches
Christian’s typically use Christian cliches when they are either at a loss for words or when they just don’t want to actually think about what they are saying. Sometimes, when you’re with someone who is dealing with loss and they are expressing their loss to you, the best thing you can do is just be there. Sometimes all that needs to be said, “I hurt with you and I am here for you.” Then, just be there.
Plus, phrases like, “God will not give you more than you can handle,” are not only unhelpful, but they’re downright unbiblical. Not only does God often give us more than we can handle on our own, but he does so in a way that forces us to remember that he is all we need. It’s best to just stay away from the cliches and allow your presence to speak the truth of the gospel when it’s difficult to find the words to.
8 Give them a meaningful gift and don’t make a big deal out of it
The last thing that I’ll mention is gift giving. Giving someone something that is meaningful can make a huge difference to someone who is struggling with loss. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Sometimes the most meaningful gifts are gifts that simply show someone you were/are thinking of them.
The best way to give a gift to someone who is dealing with loss is to give it to them in a way that doesn’t draw a lot of attention to the fact that you gave them something. Sometimes that means giving it in private, sometimes that means giving it in passing. The last thing that you ever really want to do is give someone something and make them feel like they owe you something in return.
I hope this helps. Please remember to drop comments in the comment section on things you might add to this list!